Two Deep Breaths
Two deep breaths.
That seems to be the cure for everything. Two deep breaths for exams nerves, two deep breaths before a job interview, two deep breaths when parallel parking. It’s my kind of home remedy. My very own foolproof plan.
Two deep breaths before a first date.
Two deep breaths when I realised, I couldn’t escape.
Two deep breaths while driving home so I would stop crying.
Two deep breaths and everything changes.
There’s no way that just happened, right?
There is no way I would let someone do that; this is me we’re talking about...
The girl who has no problem putting men in their place.
The girl who is not afraid to stand up for herself.
The girl who is literally studying law.
I should know the warning signs. I do know the warning signs.
No. It didn’t happen.
He is acting normal.
I’m probably just overreacting. It’s all in my head. I’m just being crazy.
Two deep breaths, two months later, standing in my hotel bathroom in another country.
The penny finally drops. Oh.
But it still wasn’t that bad; it could’ve been so much worse. He probably just didn’t realise I didn’t want to; he made a mistake. No one is going to believe me anyway. It’s been so long since it happened.
Is there even a point in telling anyone?
Two deep breaths, another two months later, standing next to my best friend on a random Tuesday morning.
The heaviness I didn’t even realise I felt in my chest lifts.
Someone knows, and she believes me.
But I still don’t think it’s that big of a deal. Other girls have had to go through so much worse. I know I shouldn’t let this get to me, but my skin crawls every time I see him.
Come on now, you’re better than this. You’re stronger than this. Put on a brave face and carry on.
Two deep breaths after my seventh nightmare in a row.
What is going on with me? I’m literally going crazy. It’s been months; I should be over this by now. I’m so much tougher than this.
Two deep breaths, holding back tears, and I’m trying to convince one of my longest friends to believe me before he can even get a word in.
My heart stops and my eyes well up with tears.
Why would I ever doubt that he would?
Why am I doubting myself?
I know what happened. Am I still trying to convince myself that it really happened?
Why am I even dumping this on my friends?
It’s just making them worried.
Two deep breaths when I question whether I am even doing the right thing telling my boss.
Did I get this wrong? I’m putting his job in jeopardy now. Is this even worth it?
But what if he does this to another girl? What if he already has because I didn’t say something sooner?
Two deep breaths, my hands are shaking. I finally tell my parents.
I watch my dad’s heart break into hundreds of thousands of pieces.
This isn’t just about me anymore. I’m making everyone I care about worried.
Maybe I should have said nothing. It’s not worth putting my parents through this too.
What am I doing? Who am I to make this whole thing so dramatic?
Is it too late to take it back? Please let me take it back.
Two deep breaths, I give my statement to the police.
Wait, hold on, this really is a big deal.
I said I needed to go home. He knew I didn’t want to. He saw me crying. Did he just not care? Does he think I’m that disposable? How dare he.
Everything is happening so fast. I didn’t even want to report what happened and now everyone wants me to go through with this all too soon.
Please, can I just have a moment?
Just give me a break for one second.
Two deep breaths for the nightmares, which don’t stop for months.
Two deep breaths for how I feel like I can’t breathe every time I leave the house.
Two deep breaths for the guilt, the anger, the sadness.
Two deep breaths because why can’t this just be over now?
I should have never told anyone.
I don’t want to feel this anymore.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
PLEASE, I JUST WANT THIS TO BE OVER.
Nearly two years later, I only take one deep breath.
I still doubt myself some days. That’s normal. I think I will be doubting myself for the rest of my life.
But I don’t doubt that I should have ever told anyone.
Thank goodness I did.
I don’t doubt that he was wrong.
I was not overreacting. It wasn’t all in my head. I wasn’t being crazy.
How dare he even think for a second that he was allowed to do what he did.
I don’t think anything could have really prepared me for every thought and feeling I’ve been through these last two years. I know now that it just takes time, patience, and kindness.
Tell someone because you should never go through it alone.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, there are a range of people and services available to talk to and provide support. You can find out more about who to reach out to here.
