Not Safe Anywhere
This episode, we’re looking at why guys feel like they have the right to perve at you - even when it invades your privacy and makes you feel scared.
But first up, let’s look at how Alex and co. could rewind the tape so that Hannah didn’t end up harassed for being the “hottest ass” and completely friendless.
Why did everyone keep passing on the list?
All the girls and guys kept passing on the note – even when they saw that Hannah was upset about it. You told us they did it because otherwise the jocks would call them out for being ‘no fun’. They might also just have felt relieved they weren’t mentioned and could just join everyone else by laughing at the girls on it.
Why wouldn’t girls make a list?
On the flip side, you thought girls wouldn’t make a list about guys because girls don’t perve at guys in the same way. Girls’ bodies are always being rated - we even rate ourselves! We know how horrible it can be feel to be harassed and only liked for your body, not your mind. Guys don’t have to deal with that bullsh*t.
What’s the difference between a compliment vs. harassment?
Hannah’s 100% right when she says being on “the hot list” isn’t a compliment. When someone compliments you, they want you to feel good, like telling you that your new haircut looks awesome.
Harassment is when someone says something creepy about you and it makes you feel self-conscious and gross.
When jerkface Bryce grabs Hannah, it isn’t because he thinks she'll be flattered! He knows Hannah will be pissed off or freaked out. Bryce is doing it because he knows he's older, stronger, more popular, and he CAN.
The best defense against harassment is knowing the difference between it and a compliment.
When you see your mates being harassed, check they're OK, stand up for them and put the shame where it belongs – on the harasser!
Join the movement of amazing Embassadors standing together against harassment to say it’s not OK.
Which leads us to Hannah’s stalker, Tyler.
This week, Hannah tells us about her stalker, school photographer, Tyler.
When Hannah first hears someone creeping outside her window she completely freezes.
Freezing is totally NORMAL and happens a lot during sexual harassment and abuse. Your body and mind often naturally freezes when you’re scared as a way to protect you.
A lot of survivor’s experience this, and then feel guilty that they “should have done something” when actually their body was telling them shut down to be safe. So don’t feel ashamed if it’s happened to you – your body was doing what it was built to do!
Courtney seems to think that finding Hannah’s stalker is something that’ll be fun, but she soon turns it into a way she can seduce Hannah. Things all get out of hand when stalker Tyler snaps Courtney making out with Hannah.
When Hannah goes to get the photo and refuses to go out with creepster Tyler, Tyler sends out the photo of Hannah and Courtney to the whole school. Even months later, Tyler still thinks stalking Hannah was OK because he “loved her”. So once again, Hannah’s privacy is completely invaded, and she loses yet another friend.
Who keeps calling me? Moana’s story
Moana was 15 when she started getting persistent calls and texts from a group of guys at her school. None of her friends ever called, so she knew it wouldn’t be them, so she didn’t answer. But she started to get a chill down her spine whenever her phone went off.
The voicemails the callers left would leave were really creepy. It was obviously a group of them and they would try to disguise their voices. It was hard to understand them, but they were laughing a lot. Sometimes she could figure out stuff they said like, “We think you’re hot”.
Moana had felt nervous around guys ever since her older brother’s friend had made her self-conscious about “growing up” when she hadn’t even been thinking about her appearance, so the calls and texts made her heart thump and feel sick to her stomach.
Moana felt like she was never safe from it because the calls could happen anytime, even in places that were normally safe, like her room or at her grandparents’. She felt ashamed and just wanted it to go away. She didn’t want to worry her parents or have them do something that made it worse.
Moana felt really paranoid at school, wondering which group of guys was calling and texting her. Moana started to get really nervous when she was alone, worrying that the group of boys might start to follow her in real life.
Eventually she told her brother’s girlfriend what was going on, who told her that this was harassment and that she would help her report it to the school counselor. It was such a huge relief to know why she was feeling so worried and anxious all the time and to share it with people she trusted.
Moana’s counselor made a plan with Moana to address the whole school year about harassment and bullying without mentioning her directly. Moana felt so much better about standing up for herself.
After the school campaign, she responded to a text saying she was going to report their behavior if they continued to harass her. After a few mean texts about how “frigid” she was, the guys stopped calling her. But it still took a long time for Moana to feel carefree when by herself or when her phone went off.
A society of stalkers
Hannah tells us the brutal impact of Tyler’s stalking – it made her feel paranoid everywhere, and like nowhere was safe – even in her own room!
Feeling like there are psychos out there watching is a horrible feeling. With social media, feeling like you’re constantly being looked at is something that lots of us can relate to. It means you can never feel relaxed to just be you. That's why you need awesome friends who have your back.
Here are our questions about how Tyler & co. could #rewindthetape.
- Why did Tyler feel like it was OK to take photos of Hannah in her bedroom?
- Why did Hannah feel like she had to deal with her stalker on her own?
- Why did Courtney think that finding a stalker would be fun?
- If Tyler really loved Hannah, why did he send out the photo?
- Are we really a society of stalkers like Hannah says?
- What could we do to be there for our friend if they thought they were being stalked?
Tell us what you think everyone would do if they could go back in time.
Comment on Facebook or Instagram and we'll share your ideas next week in our deep dive on Episode 5 next week!
This is part of a series to help us see what we can do to help give the Hannah Bakers of the world a different ending x.
Here are alllll the links here: